Monday, December 17, 2007


Karma is an interesting thing. I think I believe in it when it is convenient for me. But though I half laugh at the principles of karma and those who hard core believe in it, I myself have a similar philosophy running in my life. It’s called ‘higher power loves me so much that I get to suffer from my own consequences’. And if I let someone in, in traffic, one of the reasons is so that I will be let in later. Heck yes {in monotone napoleonic voice} And I’m suddenly writing a screenplay. Just in case you didn’t know. I seem to be a bit confused with my writer sex. Am I gay am I straight? Am I bi-literal? ( which apparently is actually a word. I just looked it up. I was trying to be clever and mix the subjects of sex and literature. literapture more like{also in monotone voice}) At any second I could suddenly start writing food reviews or captions fitting for L.L. Bean catologues.
Ok so back to things that make a little more sense. sorry. no not really. One of the other reasons that I let folks in in traffic is because it's the right thing to do and doing the right things gives me relief. And I am so all about the freakin relief.

As I sat in the middle of the intersection on Monroe in Midtown. I felt the twinges of panic and fear of being the douche bag settling in upon me. I glanced at the light to which I was almost under and glanced at the light so very far in front of me. Which was one of the causes of me sitting in my douchbaggery, in the middle of the road. Because it was red. Nevermind that I could have waited before venturing into the dangerdouche zone. The light above me was still red, but probably was about to be green. “Oh fuck!” I said. Actually it was more like “Oh FOCK!” frantically I glance to my left and mouth IM SORRY to the lady in the silver voltswagon who would momentarily either be lurching towards me angrily or staying still and honking in a distressed fashion at my douchebagginess, which was blocking her passage to the roads beyond, hence causing great frustration.

So I just thesaurused ‘douchebag’ which in of itself is hilarious anyways; the whole act of looking up a synonym of a word that means ‘a device for squirting liquid into private parts’. It’s just funny. But I feel I need to share what the great’s reponse was to my search query:
I’m sorry there were no results for your search,
Did you mean:
Tote bag
Touch base
Dune buggy
let me clarify this in capslock mode (which makes it appear that I am shouting or speaking in a loud and incredulous voice....)TOTE BAG. TOUCH BASE. DUNE BUGGY. DUNE F-IN BUGGY????? Oh my God its priceless. Poor, poor, decent-minded thesaurus. It probably wears a clip on bowtie to work and chews only one piece of trident gum at a time. Cuts its meals up into small squares and triangles and eats in algebraic formulas. Frequently gets milk mustaches. Saw the girls wearing ‘Mrs. Pitt’ and ‘Mrs. Clooney’ tees and had one made to say ‘Mr. Cleaver’. How and why in the world did any of the above words occur when the word DOUCHE BAG was brought to the table? Which is pretty gross, douches being on tables and all, also bringing up the questions of how and why. WELL- I will tell you why. Because I failed to put a space in between the words douche and bag. And for all those out there who don’t know what a douche bag is (I mean really) look it up yourself. The word lavage comes up. It’s pretty awesome. Do you know what lavage means/ I didn't, I had to look that one up too.
JK! Here it is:
douche bag
a small syringe having detachable nozzles for fluid injections, used chiefly for vaginal lavage and for enemas.
The only reason I copy-pasted that (because I really do believe in doing it yourself..the f-in work that is) was to comment on the part of defination that states “used chiefly for...”
What else would a douche bag be used for? I mean really? 'Chiefly used for'.. like some cases it's used elsewheres? To water the plants? I know those hanging ones are hard to reach and all..perhaps a friendly game of sanitary water squirting between some very friendly friends? a drinking vessel for a small mammal, like a hamster, ferret, or guinea pig? What?
ok ok.
One of my worst fears is that the other cars in traffic won’t like me. Like I’ll see a poor hapless vehicle trying to make a difficult turn and I have this momentary struggle in my heart where its all like “Oh shit I could stop and do a good would be nice, I might get good karma, and they would feel eternal gratitude for me and my niceness Oh but then the car behind me might get upset, or even hit me and then I’d have to get out and have responsibility occur and adult conversation happen and insurance thingy-bobs passed and, and ..And I opt for the not, because I have now passed the car and “its too late-oh well, maybe next time!”.

Sometimes I get all queenly about letting people in, I’m all like “Ok you go.. mmmm-and you and that’s all. No NO. not you. You stay. You wait till next time.” and I am saying this all out loud in my car with matching hand movements so they too can see and understand my vehicular reign.

{More later}

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